Jack Willis

The intended main protagonist, he really likes sports and really hates the color orange on football jerseys. Does not have a thing for Sam despite what the internet might think. His place of work burned down, so with Frank's suggestion he started doing a sports blog, then thanks to the mysteries of the internet in 2006 he managed to turn that into a career. Lucky bastard

Sam Shephard

Jack's best friend who drinks too much and has no shame, she is a total music freak working at an older music shop. She's been through some crap and it dragged her down for years but now she's turning it around and has recently purchased "Your Mother Should Know Music" from Jim. Also is very great with a bass in her hands, whether that's playing music or using it as a baseball bat to take out wannabe rock stars.

Frank O'Neil

Jack's roommate from Pittsburgh, he moved to Springfield to study medicine after catching a House MD marathon on Fox one weekend. His day job is web design, and he runs Jack's blog as his way of paying rent. He plays too many video games and his head explodes whenever a Mass Effect game comes out (no, really!). Had a girlfriend years ago but lost contact with her when she left him to battle cancer on her own. Now he awkwardly flirts with Sam (unintentionally most of the time).

Cara "C.J." Johnson

The only person that Sam has ever successfully trained and kept on staff, C.J. not only puts up with Sam's crap but can reel her in and call her out on it. While calling her Sam's babysitter is too easy of a joke, she has definitely helped Sam grow up, whether by just being a friend or forcing her to change. However, she does help Sam with a lot of shenanigans so she's not always the best influence. Also she really likes to mess with the guys whenever and however she can.

Hobo Dan

Crazy homeless person who loves to quote memes and internet fads just when they are no longer popular. For some reason he exclusively hangs out wherever Sam is walking. Shane's favorite character.

Jim Craig

Former owner of the only independent CD shop in the world that manages to make money, he would much rather skip out on work and go fishing, even if he's the only one working that day. He is in the process of selling the shop to Sam to pursue his dream of moving an hour away to the Berkshires to fish all day.

Mike Craig

Jim's stoner son, he works at the shop as security. He listens to way too much Sublime, but otherwise he's an alright dude. He'll probably stay on at the shop with Sam in charge, even if he can't throw parties there overnight anymore.

Keri Black

Emo-looking rap fan, she worked at the shop for almost 3 hours. That's actually the third-longest tenure of a Sam trainee.

Guy Bradley

Former lead singer of Bradley's Guys. A terrible human being. Last seen three years ago with Uncle Geno. Presumed dead.

H. William Williams

Jehova's Witness. Also apparently a Mass Effect DLC character. Has door slammed on him often.

Bill

Former member of Bradley's guys. Obsessed with pirates. Weird and shy, but a good guy. Considering we have no idea what he even does in the band. Formed a (thus far) unnamed band with Sam and Jay.

Jay

Big guy. BIIIIIG guy. Former member of Bradley's Guys. Roadie and drummer. Now in a band with Sam and Bill.

Dr. Penelope Zielinska

Sam's therapist. Friends with C.J.'s older sister. Slightly mischievous. Helped Sam a lot with her issues. Presumably still sees Sam on a regular basis, especially after that Brony incident.

Katie Johnson

C.J.'s older sister. Loves messing with C.J. Apparently hates being in the comic.

"Uncle Geno

Sam's "uncle". May or may not be in the mafia. May or may not be the Don. May or may not have slowly, mercilessly killed Guy. I may or may not have said too much.

The Johnson Twins

C.J.'s much younger siblings, Chrissy and Jimmy. Refuse to listen to C.J. Kids these days.

The Four Brony-Men

A "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" cult, comprised of webcomickers Brony Daniel, Brony Thomas, (reluctant) Brony Erik, and Brony Bryan, and Master Dern. They converted Jack into a Brony using some unexplained psychological tricks, but they got their asses kicked by two girls and a homeless man, so... good job guys.

Powerpuff Girls

Intellectual property of Cartoon Network. Re-created by Sam using Jack Daniels as a substitute for Chemical X. Always hungover.